The Daily Douz

Yesterday, my buddy Olly, my Winter White Russian Dwarf Hamster, was acting funny. He fell asleep in my hand, which he never has done before. He felt lifeless and just tired.

So we left him alone for a while and checked on him again later. He looked like he was having a seizure!! His body was convulsing and jerking him all over, mostly in a circle, and his eyes were wide open. We had no idea what would make this happen to him. We tried giving him his favorite foods right by his mouth so he could smell them and sort of wake up, but that didn’t work. I changed his bedding in case he was feeling queasy from his urine-filled bedding but that didn’t seem to do anything. I watched him for a long time, just sitting there, convulsing, and turning his body around in a circle, always fighting to land on his feet. It was terribly sad. We didn’t know what to do.

I Googled hamsters and seizures and found that other people have hamsters with the same issues. They were saying it’s best to remove anything stressful from the hamster’s environment. Make it dark for him and quiet. So we put him in a dark room and shut the door while we went to light some fireworks.

Came back and he looked alright. He had mostly stopped convulsing so we thought he was starting to pull through and feel a little better. His eyes were still wide open and he was still breathing in his little furry body. He just looked scared. We tried to give him powder of Ibuprofen to help ease his pain and powder of a Vitamin C to help him get better but he wouldn’t even open his mouth for anything. We hoped he would pull through the night and hang on to life. But at 9 am this morning, I woke up, looked over and saw his mostly white body laying on one side (not typical, he likes being on his feet). I tried to focus my eyes the best I could and sure enough, he had stopped breathing and his eyes were closed. I believe he died peacefully in his sleep because he was able to shut his eyes. His body was cold and hard when we touched him and put him in a mini casket so we can bury him. I just cannot believe I lost my lil Olly! All of the good memories I have of him… He will forever be in my heart. He’s my little mister. Love you Olly!!

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Two years ago today, my best friend from high school passed away.

The doctors had a hard time diagnosing which type of cancer she had at the time, but after she died, they ruled it to be skin cancer.

When she was 17 years old, she had an abnormal mole behind one of her ears and had it removed and tested, found out it was skin cancer then. She didn’t want all of her peers to know about it so she kept it pretty quiet. I believe she had to have tests and check-ups for the 10 years following but she had been cancer-free up until I think 2007-2008.

And during all this time, she had met and married her husband and had a beautiful bundle of joy. They were a cute little family. I’ll never forget the sad little face of the 3 and a half year old daughter on the day of her mom’s funeral.

The funeral was held in Pleasanton, CA, where we grew up and where her family still resides. But she was buried in Utah, in a town where her daughter and husband could visit her grave site often. I also have the privilege of living in the same town of her cemetery so I visit at least once a month. I went today, on the 2 year anniversary of her death, and found gorgeous roses there that I’m sure are from her hubby and daughter. I nestled my 3 bright pink roses along with the roses already there.

Many people miss her but she will never be forgotten. She was my very best friend for at least 8 years. We met when I was 4 years old. So I knew her for 22 years of her life. She was the oldest in her family. I know she no longer has to suffer through the pain of cancer but she will forever be in our hearts. She was an incredible, fun-loving woman who knew what she wanted in life. A very inspiring person. She was a “Star”.

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I have had depression for about 10 years now (diagnosed for that long) and I’ve been taking anti-depressants over the past 9 years. Currently I’m taking generic Prozac and since losing my job in November 2009, I increased my dosage to taking 4 pills per day.

The past week I decided to reduce my daily intake of Prozac. I want to stop gaining so much weight. I know for a fact that my constant weight gain is due to these anti-depressants and I’m so tired of it! That is the WORST side-effect you can get and I’ve had it this whole time. So you can imagine I’ve gained a lot of weight just since being on these medicines. Ugh!

It’s like a vicious cycle… You take anti-depressants to help with depression… You start to gain weight because of side-effects… You get even more depressed since you’ve gained weight… So you feel like you need more of the anti-depressants because your depression has worsened from the weight gain. Never ending…….

And Prozac is supposed to be the one medicine which doesn’t give as much weight gain as the rest of them. I see no difference. Honestly. I’ve taken Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and some others and Prozac seems to give me the same amount of weight gain.

I just have a constant sad face. I feel like my smiles are fake. I feel so empty inside. I feel like I need a new life. I don’t like the one I have and I’m tired of living this boring, anxiety-ridden life. I just wish things would have worked out for me, the way I had always planned on them. And since they haven’t, it’s made me feel even worse about myself. I hate anxiety. I absolutely hate anxiety! I don’t wish it on my worst enemies (if I had any).

And for some reason, my anxiety today is through the roof. I don’t know why. I wish I knew. Then maybe I could fix it and repair myself so I could go one with my day. But no. I sit at home because I have too much anxiety to even drive anywhere. I babysat earlier for my nephews but after that, I just felt so nervous and anxious. I’m almost shaking from my anxiety. I feel like it could grow into a full-blown panic attack if I let it. But there are always things to do so I must press on with the day. I pray that this too shall pass.

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*plugged ears

*having hot flashes after showers

*bruises from bumping into walls

*sharing razors

*when my eyebrows don’t cooperate

*sore throat

*social anxiety

*my cheeks (facial, lol)

*that I can’t have a cat or dog

*dust

*never enough time in a day

*arguments

*feeling of failure

*never enough money

*zits {MY OWN, for those who didn’t know} *updated 3/21/2010

*that my eyesight is slowly failing

*unwanted body hair

*chapped lips

*job interviews

*depression

*phone calls

*cowlicks

*sweat

*mustard, pickles, tomatoes

*dry hands

*spiders

*bad smells

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Life is changing constantly. {insert eye-rolling smiley here} Everyone knows I don’t necessarily like change right when it happens. I must adapt.

I need to take a Time Out for myself. I no longer have a boyfriend (our relationship lasted 1 year 5 months). As my sister-in-law put it, I need to take a time out from dating to find myself and take better care of myself. And that’s what I think I’ll do. I want to be able to focus on my job better, work harder on my websites so they can earn more money for me, work on making more Cards to show on my website and possibly start selling online, create more crafts that I love, do some home improving, and learn more about SEO altogether.

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My blog has been neglected lately. I’ve been needing a design change for a couple months now and haven’t gotten around to it yet. I also need to focus on losing weight. I’m tired of growing in sizes and feeling out of breath. So it’s time to get motivated!

Also, I read from Jenny Blake’s Life After College about a book she recently read. I found some great quotes to implement into my life from her notes.

“Everything that happens to me is the best possible thing that can happen to me.”

“Every day is a good day.” – Ummon

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My parents found this newspaper article recently about my grandfather, Doran Peterson. He was an honorable and self-less man. He passed away in December of 1993. I still remember his funeral.

My Grandfather

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I’m getting lonely these days. I’d REALLY love to get a puppy or a kitten to keep me company. Since Butch moved away to Wendover for work, I feel very alone in my basement and wish my upstairs neighbors weren’t allergic to cat hair. It seems these days almost everyone has a new puppy to show off or get to brag about.

I do have Olly – my Winter White Dwarf Hamster – but he’s so little and hides all day. He’s nocturnal so he comes out at night while I’m asleep and the room is dark. I hear his little wheel spinning all night long and his water bottle sometimes.

I need an animal to cuddle with and pet. Even if it were a neighbor kitty that came around a lot, I’d love to “adopt” one. Anyway, I’ve never owned or raised any dogs so it would be a first for me to have one but I think I’m ready for the opportunity.

I guess mostly, I miss my childhood beautiful cat, Princess. She passed away years ago from a dog chasing her and she couldn’t jump the fence soon enough to get away from his bite. Princess knew when I was feeling sad and would come around and sit next to me just to be near. She didn’t mind if I didn’t pet her while I was crying, she just knew I needed company. She was like my best friend. And I miss the babies she brought into this world as well.

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Life… is fragile, it’s precious, it’s short …enjoy it!! Smile, say hello to people you don’t know who look like they could use a friend, don’t take your friends or family for granted. Don’t worry so much over the little things, don’t fight over the little irritations of life, say I love you to the people you love. Enjoy your time where ever you are, at work, at the gym, at a friend’s house, at the library, resting at your house, in a park …just enjoy every moment.

You never know when life with throw you a huge trial and thwart all your dreams and goals. Your health is fragile. And these days there are more and more diseases, illnesses, crime, accidents, addictions, catastrophes, you name it… it’s probably here on earth. Be careful. Give support to those around you. Donate to charity when you can.

Right now, I’m hearing people all around me who are gearing up with food storage. They are very smart, you never know what could happen tomorrow. Be safe.

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I really need to prioritize my life again! I’m allowing certain values to fall apart while thinking other values are more important. But guess what?! They’re not more important, I’ve gotten it in my head that they COULD be and that kicks out the other ones. Yeah I’m sure this is confusing…

So that’s why I need to re-prioritize my beliefs and values. Like being to important things ON TIME! That is my number one priority right now and trying to get motivation to do things that are hard for me to do. Anyway, that’s what I need to do in the next few days. And blogging will be a priority too, just need to find out where it falls, in line. Lata!

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yay for closure. this might be overdue, but i finally feel like i got the closure i needed from an ex-boyfriend, recently. he got engaged and now i know it’s completely over, and i’ve come to terms with it and i’m fine. i’m actually happier, to be honest. (not to put him down or anything.) i don’t have that lingering stupid hope anymore that maybe, just maybe, he’ll come back. it really is a relief in a way. i was shocked when i found out the news though since they’ve only been dating a little over 2 months but if it’s right, it’s right.

i haven’t posted anything in a long time and people are probably wondering if i’m still alive. haha, yes i am. i’m just working and doing the normal things. work consumes my life. oh, i got a new cell phone, that was really exciting! but the manual came in russian and i don’t speak it, so that’s a little frustrating. lol. but i found it in english online. i went to arizona for my thanksgiving holiday and had a blast with my family! i love spending time with family, i don’t realize how much i miss them till i’m there with them, and how i want to stay even longer. none of my immediate family lives in utah around me so that’s been kinda hard. it’s ok, it just means i get to get out of utah when i visit family, right?

so i’ve realized this blog has more or less become a personal journal for me, but PUBLIC. HAHA! It’s probably not to my advantage to have a site as a journal like this but it’s an outlet, what can i say? I don’t live with anyone so it’s almost like my need to vent can be used through this, if that makes sense at all. and then i can post other cool things i like on here too. and it’s just fun to have people read my stuff and think that people care to spend time to read it. (i really think that’s the real reason i have this blog.) it’s to see if people care about me. i mean, i know my family cares. that’s a given. i dunno, it’s my own twisted thinking, that’s all. okay enough rambling. this post was supposed to be about how great the closure was for me, so i’ll end on that subject. it’s liberating to know finally for sure that i will never get back together with that ex-boyfriend, and i’m okay with it! it’s almost like when i break up, i’m still hoping, or wondering if we’ll get back together. it’s like i can’t fully let that person go. but i’ve come to find out that i absolutely hate letting people go out of my life. so maybe that’s a reason why. i care about people so much that it’s soo hard on me when i have to let them go. even just a friend, ya know? well tonight i shall get to bed early so i can test the theory of waking up earlier in the mornings if you go to bed early at night. this IS early for me (10:15 pm). goodnight, hopefully…

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