The Daily Douz

I really need to prioritize my life again! I’m allowing certain values to fall apart while thinking other values are more important. But guess what?! They’re not more important, I’ve gotten it in my head that they COULD be and that kicks out the other ones. Yeah I’m sure this is confusing…

So that’s why I need to re-prioritize my beliefs and values. Like being to important things ON TIME! That is my number one priority right now and trying to get motivation to do things that are hard for me to do. Anyway, that’s what I need to do in the next few days. And blogging will be a priority too, just need to find out where it falls, in line. Lata!

yay for closure. this might be overdue, but i finally feel like i got the closure i needed from an ex-boyfriend, recently. he got engaged and now i know it’s completely over, and i’ve come to terms with it and i’m fine. i’m actually happier, to be honest. (not to put him down or anything.) i don’t have that lingering stupid hope anymore that maybe, just maybe, he’ll come back. it really is a relief in a way. i was shocked when i found out the news though since they’ve only been dating a little over 2 months but if it’s right, it’s right.

i haven’t posted anything in a long time and people are probably wondering if i’m still alive. haha, yes i am. i’m just working and doing the normal things. work consumes my life. oh, i got a new cell phone, that was really exciting! but the manual came in russian and i don’t speak it, so that’s a little frustrating. lol. but i found it in english online. i went to arizona for my thanksgiving holiday and had a blast with my family! i love spending time with family, i don’t realize how much i miss them till i’m there with them, and how i want to stay even longer. none of my immediate family lives in utah around me so that’s been kinda hard. it’s ok, it just means i get to get out of utah when i visit family, right?

so i’ve realized this blog has more or less become a personal journal for me, but PUBLIC. HAHA! It’s probably not to my advantage to have a site as a journal like this but it’s an outlet, what can i say? I don’t live with anyone so it’s almost like my need to vent can be used through this, if that makes sense at all. and then i can post other cool things i like on here too. and it’s just fun to have people read my stuff and think that people care to spend time to read it. (i really think that’s the real reason i have this blog.) it’s to see if people care about me. i mean, i know my family cares. that’s a given. i dunno, it’s my own twisted thinking, that’s all. okay enough rambling. this post was supposed to be about how great the closure was for me, so i’ll end on that subject. it’s liberating to know finally for sure that i will never get back together with that ex-boyfriend, and i’m okay with it! it’s almost like when i break up, i’m still hoping, or wondering if we’ll get back together. it’s like i can’t fully let that person go. but i’ve come to find out that i absolutely hate letting people go out of my life. so maybe that’s a reason why. i care about people so much that it’s soo hard on me when i have to let them go. even just a friend, ya know? well tonight i shall get to bed early so i can test the theory of waking up earlier in the mornings if you go to bed early at night. this IS early for me (10:15 pm). goodnight, hopefully…

so lately there’s been a whole lot of craziness goin on in the life of Marci. my carpet in my bedroom got partially flooded on Saturday so it’s been soaking in 2 days till i tried soaking up the water with a towel first then turned on every fan i have to dry it out. and that still didn’t work, there is a really set-in musty smell now that probably will never leave the house. it’s really great. so yeah, then tonight i cut up the carpet so the padding underneath can finally dry out and the section that got all wet was a very large area, it turns out! I didn’t estimate it to be that big, but when you cut in a square and try to cover the entire area, not just like a puzzle piece, you end up cutting more than you thought. and then it’s just really gross and nasty and i had to touch it, put it in a bag to take to the garbage. ugh. it’s really gross! and i felt like some of the grossness got on me, on my clothes and arms and hands, so i feel all dirty and stuff. man, i hate when things go wrong. i consider this as me dealing with a catastrophe. and who knows… maybe the foundation of this house has a hole/leak or something really bad like that? hopefully not. but it’s weird, i’m in the basement and the water came from too much of watering the lawn, from sprinklers? it doesn’t really make that much sense to me, but also Saturday we had kind of a rain storm.
Anyway, so there’s my story about why my house is up in chaos and making it difficult to really relax and live in lately. eh, my arms feel all itchy. plus there’s always been bugs galore here! i have traps full of spiders and potato bugs all over the place [sticking my tongue out in disgust]. and i get lonely since i don’t have any roommates or friends to really hang out with, so i’ve been watching a lot of tv and been online a ton. funny, since i should be working on my website but i haven’t been doing that. alas, my life feels very draining right now. i feel like i’m dragging along just to make it through each day. so hopefully i will make the actions to gain more self confidence so i can feel like i live a happier life and have a positive outlook every day. i pray for it, it’s just slow in coming to me. plus i guess i should get over the notion of believing that life would be so much better if only i was married. i’m sure some of you are laughing right about now. i know, for real marriage is hard. i get it. i see it as having someone around that loves you enough to want to be with you all the time and hear about your day, what went wrong, what went right. i feel like i need that and that’s why i have that notion in my head about marriage. silly huh? so unless i can get enough strength in me to think of myself as independent and inspirational, i probably will never find out what marriage is like. hmm, kind of a twist in a way, i think. so i’m going to continue to make my life better so i can attract the type of guy i’d want, and to just be better. this life is always about making yourself better, right? there’s always room for improvement. i’m not even close to perfect, i never ever thought i was and i probably will never be perfect in this life, but at least we can try to get close. and that’s what i’ll do. life isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. yay, i ended on a positive note. ok bye.

Love ruins your life. I wish i never fell in love.

so this weekend i slept way too much. let’s just say the entire day is not good to sleep through. you wake up feeling hopeless and that you lost the whole weekend. you feel very lost and wondering where did the time go? why did you sleep so long? did my body need all that sleep? why can’t my body tell me when it has gotten too much sleep, like make you wide awake or something like that? it tells you when you haven’t gotten enough, by the yawning right? but then you can still be yawning when you’ve overslept and that’s no good, because when does your body tell you the difference between under-sleeping and over-sleeping? it doesn’t. at least, not to my knowledge. and that sucks. i need my body to tell me when to stop sleeping. an alarm clock or 5 isn’t good enough to wake me up. i need more than that. i need visualization power, telling myself before i even fall asleep, that i’ll wake up at a certain time and get to work on time. i have to have positive self-talk and communication with my brain that yes, i will wake up when my alarm goes off. i hate starting the week out late. it feels like the rest of the week will follow, no doubt. you can’t change it, it’s inevitable. but guess what… i AM going to change it, with my positive thinking! this time, tonight, I WILL WAKE UP WHEN MY ALARM GOES OFF AND I WILL BE ON TIME TO SCHOOL/WORK. there i said it. now maybe i can enjoy my sleep instead of worrying that i won’t wake up. lol. k bye.